Tuesday, September 11, 2012

At the beginning with you. This is my story. This is our story. This is us.

I love me. For the longest time, I believed that no good person would ever love me anymore. The past months proved all wrong as I underwent the tedious process of moving on from a previous relationship that made me hate my life so much I had to take medications to be well and to being in love with the next person who made me happy. I love me. I had to keep myself well for the reason that I need to be well to be able to live my life according to my plan.

Indeed, it was difficult waking up in the morning knowing you are not there, going about the day without you beside me and sleeping without having to hear your voice. I love me. The things we did for the last 3 years made me miss you even more. Getting used to your presence and your voice made it all hard for me to move on. I love me.

Days dragged into weeks, weeks into months and by the time it hit the 4th month, I know I was well. I can hear the crispiness in my laughter, the glow in my eyes and the happiness from within. I love me. I believe that finally I was able to see the goodness in me despite the pain. I can feel the growth from within. Though completely incomplete, I believe I am whole again.

I love you. You came into my life out of nowhere. I know it was unintentional and I never thought I would fall in love with you. I love you. Never have I imagined that I, the principled driven girl, would fall in love with you. At first, I told myself that I would never fall for your charm and humor. I love you. I have to keep my distance and space to stop myself from falling for you.

As our relationship deepened, I found it hard not fall for you. I told myself no but my heart says another thing. I miss you when you are not around. I love you.  I miss you even when you are around. Yours is the first name I can think of when I want to go out or watch a movie or just plain hang out. You occupy my mind like a blanket wrapped on a newborn baby. I seek you -- every single time.

I am in love with you. I know I should not be but I am. I cannot control my feelings anymore. I need you. I need you as if the desert needs the rain. I love you.  I want you and I want you bad.

I love you not. We never had our happy ever after. You went your separate way and left me all alone. You left without saying goodbye. I love you not. Not even a letter to console me. I was left all by myself. Once again. It was all back to square one for me.

If there was one thing I learned from you, it was not to rush into things. I love you not. Take time to realize the situation and learn to let go of expectations, they are the very reason why heartaches happen. You told me to go with the flow and use my head more than my heart. I love you not. You told me to be logical and not be too emotional. You told me you love me but you have to go.

 I love you and that would never change. I have loved you the moment I laid my eyes on you. I love you not.I loved you even after you left me hanging in the open. However, at the end of the day, I have to stop and listen to my heart. I love you not. I have to love myself more than you. I have to secure myself with happiness and learn to let you go. I have to let you go like how you let me go.

Again, I have to move on. I have to find myself and patch things up like before. I have to make myself whole again. Learn to let you go, our moments and our story. Turn the next page for a new chapter without you in it. Keep things as they are and accept the reality that you would never be a part of my today and tomorrow.

Nonetheless, thank you for showing me how to love again. Thank you for making me feel important and appreciated. Thank you. Oh and yeah, goodbye and it was nice knowing you.

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